


if i told you this was special, that love is more than chemicals

by captainquint



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Kiss, Post-Episode 69, contains spoilers for ep 69, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 21:01:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19411333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainquint/pseuds/captainquint
Summary: “Jessie?” It was Beauregard, squinting into the darkness, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. “Is that you? Why are you out here all alone? Are you okay?”Jester sniffled and wiped at her nose, her voice sounding wet and choked. “I’m fine, Beau. You should go back to sleep.”“I’m not going back inside unless you’re with me, Jes. I know I may not be the best person to talk to about feelings and shit but… can you tell me what’s wrong?”





	if i told you this was special, that love is more than chemicals

**Author's Note:**

> im not much of a writer, but i love beaujester so much that i needed to write something for them
> 
> find me on twitter @ theatrelesbian and on tumblr @ jesterlesbian
> 
> title from "Soldier & Rose" from ghost quartet by dave malloy

A disgruntled and oddly quiet Mighty Nein trudged into the Ready Room Inn in Bazzoxan. Fjord slung a handful of gold on the counter toward the drow brother and sister who owned the establishment, grunting in response when they asked if the group required anything else for the night.

Inside the room, Nott sat on the bed holding Frumpkin tightly in her lap. The others shuffled about, setting up their bedrolls as Caleb strung his silver thread around the perimeter of the room. “We are inside, all together, with the alarm set. I do not believe any of us will have to stay up on watch tonight. I suggest that we all attempt to sleep the night.”

“I agree with Mr. Caleb,” Caduceus said from the corner, hunched over slightly from the low ceiling of the inn. “We’re all tired and on edge, we should sleep.”

One by one, the group settled down on their individual bedrolls. Jester joined Nott on the bed, giving Frumpkin a few scritches on the head. He purred in response, gently nudging her hand.

Jester laid awake long into the night, listening to Beau’s snores and Caduceus’ heavy breathing. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t fall asleep. The image of Yasha behind the door as it closed was burned into her memory. “Dear Traveler,” Jester whispered under her breath, “please watch over Yasha, wherever she is. I’m so scared for her.” She sent up her prayer and let her eyes wander around the room. No one would notice if she was gone for just a little bit.

The bed groaned quietly as Jester slowly crawled off. She stood still for a moment on the floor, watching and listening to see if her movement had woken anyone up. She tiptoed around the various sleeping forms of her friends toward the door, stepping carefully over Caleb’s silver thread as she slipped into the hallway. Jester crossed her arms over her nightgown and padded down the stairs and out the door of the inn. She took in a breath of the cold night air and shivered a little, walking around the corner of the inn and sinking to the ground. Leaning against the outside wall of the building, Jester pulled her knees into her chest and took another breath, this one a bit shakier than the previous. Her shoulders trembled and she felt her throat tighten up, a large lump forming.

_“Why am I crying?”_ Jester thought to herself. _“It’s so stupid. I’m the one who made it out alive. I’m still with the Nein. Yasha’s the one who got left behind. We abandoned her. If anyone should get to cry and rage, it should be her.”_ She felt the hot sting of tears against her cheek and scrubbed fiercely at her eyes, but that only made it worse. The sound of footsteps from around the corner caused her to lift her head.

“Jessie?” It was Beauregard, squinting into the darkness, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. “Is that you? Why are you out here all alone? Are you okay?”

Jester sniffled and wiped at her nose, her voice sounding wet and choked. “I’m fine, Beau. You should go back to sleep.”

“I’m not going back inside unless you’re with me, Jes. I know I may not be the best person to talk to about feelings and shit but… can you tell me what’s wrong?” Beau gently sat down next to her on the ground, sliding off the blanket and wrapping it around Jester’s shoulders.

“I just,” Jester started before pausing to wipe her nose again, “I guess I just feel bad about Yasha. Which is so stupid, because of course I do! We all do! We’re all sad and angry about what happened. And I’m such a baby for sitting around and crying about it instead of trying to find a way to get her back!”

Beau let the silence linger for a moment. “You know Yasha wouldn’t want you to talk about yourself like that. She wouldn’t want any of us to blame ourselves for what happened… But I also know that it sucks to feel like you can’t do anything. I miss her too, Jes.”

“Do you _miss her_ miss her?” Jester asked quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, like, _miss her_ miss her. Like you didn’t get the chance to tell her how you felt before she got separated from us.”

Beau tilted her head and looked at Jester. “Jes, I love Yasha as much as the rest of the Nein. But just as a friend. Yeah, we flirted a little here and there, but after I found out about Zuala… Yasha’s still coping with that loss. I wouldn’t want to overstep any boundaries.”

Jester pulled the blanket tighter around her. “But you like girls, and Yasha likes girls, I just thought that…”

Beau let out a small laugh. “Just because Yasha and I both like women doesn’t mean that we were automatically gonna get together, Jes. We’re perfectly fine as friends.”

“Oh, sorry, Beau,” Jester bit her lip, her cheeks flushed a light purple, “I didn’t mean to assume, it’s just that the only relationships I’ve ever really known were in my books and what I saw from the Chateau. In my books, it seems like it’s so easy. You see someone from across the room and you know that it’s your true love.”

Beau sighed and knocked her shoulder lightly against Jester’s. “You can’t believe everything you read in books. Especially your sappy, smutty romance novels. No offense! But that’s not how love works, at least in the real world.”

“Then how does it work?”

“Well, I’ve only really seen it a few times myself. My parents didn’t have it, believe me, they could barely hold a whole conversation with each other once a day. Love takes time. And care. And communication. It’s when you trust someone so completely that you let them see the most vulnerable parts of you. Sure, there’s puppy love and infatuation, but real love? It’s a lot deeper than that.”

Jester lifted her head and turned to Beau. “That sounds beautiful.”

“I’m sure it is. I haven’t quite managed it yet.”

“Thank you… for coming to get me. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell anyone, I needed some time to clear my head.”

The corner of Beau’s mouth quirked up. “You know I’d do anything for you, Jessie. All you have to do is ask.”

Jester’s eyes dropped to the ground, avoiding Beau’s gaze. “Anything?”

“Of course.”

“Would you kiss me, Beau?”

The silence after the question was deafening to Jester’s ears. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ve kissed hundreds of pretty girls who have much more experience than I do. I was only thinking because you’re so handsome, and strong, and smart… I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to say that. Forget I said anything!” She turned her head away from Beau, afraid of the rejection she was surely going to receive.

Jester felt a hand under her chin, slowly bringing her face back around and level with Beau’s. The hand curved its way around her cheek, gently cradling her face. Beau’s skin felt so warm against her own in the night chill.

“Jester, I would be honored to kiss you.”

As the distance between their lips closed, Jester felt something she hadn’t felt in the last few days. Calm. Sure, her heart was pounding and her palms were sweaty, but her mind felt clear. Her only thoughts were of _Beau Beau Beau._ Beau’s lips, Beau’s hands, Beau’s body next to hers. When she finally had to pull away, Jester rested her forehead against Beau’s and let out the breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Jester giggled as she pressed another quick kiss to Beau’s lips.

“You know that was my first kiss?”

Beau’s brow furrowed as she tucked a piece of Jester’s hair behind her ear. “But you and Fjord…”

“Pfft, that wasn’t a real kiss. I was drowning and Fjord was trying to give me air. I wasn’t even conscious! Besides, I get to choose what I want my first kiss to be. And I want it to be you.”

Beau smiled. A real, honest smile. Not the forced ones she put on when trying not to seem so grumpy and standoffish. She kissed Jester’s cheek and rested her head in the crook of Jester’s neck. “We should go back to sleep. If anyone else woke up, they’d be wondering where we are.”

“But I don’t care about sleep now, Beau, I just want to keep kissing you…” Jester grinned again before pecking quick kisses along Beau’s jaw toward her neck.

Beau pulled away but pressed her finger to Jester’s lips when she tried to chase after her. “We really do need to sleep, Jes. But I promise that if you come back upstairs with me now, there can be more kisses in the morning.” She stood and pulled Jester up with her, chuckling at Jester’s exaggerated grumbling at having to go back to bed.

They made their way back inside the inn and up the stairs, stopping in front of the door to the room containing the rest of the Nein.

“Goodnight, Miss Beauregard.”

“Goodnight, Jessie.”


End file.
